Authenticity

Sharayah Moore
Jul 14, 2021
3 min read

Disliking who I was came easily to me as a child. I wore self-aversion like a second skin, and I mastered the unhealthy habit of picking my entire existence apart without hesitation. As an adult, unpacking my past upbringing and childhood has brought many emotions to the surface: some that I am still not ready to look in the face and confront. Navigating how I feel and move through trauma is a daily practice. And though I may not be willing to open certain boxes packed with pain, I understand that in order to make space for healing, all things must be rooted in love and not fear.

Growing up, I convinced myself that I would never be enough and would never be loved for who I was. While this fear ripped apart any morsel of confidence and self-love, on the outside, I projected I a fun-loving, loud, boisterous character. Someone so confident that they didn’t care what anyone thought and was willing to push the boundaries of social acceptability without fear of judgment. It was all a well-played facade. The ugly truth, sitting in its nice unpacked box, was that I was a people pleaser and constantly abandoning myself to feel accepted. I cared about what everyone thought. I had no personal boundaries. And while I was voted class clown, elected to prom court, and won most inspirational on my sports teams, none of it was enough to make me stop hating the person I had created.

Authenticity is only five syllables, twelve letters, and has one definition, yet I spent an innumerable amount of time processing what it meant in my context. According to Merriam- Webster’s dictionary, authenticity means being true to one's personality, spirit, or character. Short, sweet, and straightforward. But the more I sat and grappled with this concept of authenticity, the more I felt like a fraud in my skin. Unpeeling the layers of authenticity was like unfurling layers of my emotional onion-- and just like an onion, the closer I got to the core of the issue, the smaller I felt.

It takes courage to be honest with ourselves and stop hiding behind the many masks we put on. I hate to admit it, but I hid my personality and spirit behind my accomplishments, behind a polished version of myself that I had crafted over the years for showmanship and likability. To be fair, there were pieces of myself in this persona I had created, but for the most part, I was a fraud fueled by praise and personal accolades. I was a stranger in my skin; I hardly recognized myself. I had no clue what I was doing, no clue what I cared about, no clue what made me happy, and no concept of boundaries. My fraudulent lifestyle was a leech sucking all of the joy out of me.

“Who are you today, and what gives you a sense of belonging?” Think about it. It’s ok if part of the answer is a question mark, but for me, the answer was a blank space. That's where the courage comes in. To do the soul work and start unpacking the boxes filled with pain. It took me a long time to find my self-confidence, my purpose, and the journey was not always linear. But, at the end of it all, without authenticity, it is impossible to cultivate genuine kindness and love, which gives me a sense of purpose and belonging. Now, I can ask myself, “Even when no one is looking, do I love the person I have become” and be proud of the answer while still acknowledging the fact that I am not perfect and still learning. There is pain and brokenness everywhere. Instead of perpetuating the narrative by living in fraudulent cycles, change it.

A lot of us are over fakeness. Much of what we see and consume in our world is carefully constructed and polished, highly curated. Like never before, we crave the authentic, not just in appearance but also in our narratives, in our work and political spheres, and in our friendships and intimate relationships. And as we uncover that truth, as we remove the masks and falsehoods and finally get clear on what’s real, the work of our lives, as I see it, is to stand immovably in that truth.